A word repeated everyday. It seems like everyone wants peace, and they say they all want justice. But I am not here to criticise them. I am here to criticise you Eby.
It’s meaningless what we all want. It’s like telling someone you love them and cheating on them and lying to them and hurting them. You preach about how you can overcome conflict, how you can fight through hate and yet your methods look ridiculous. You fight fire with fire. You burn so bright that you don’t only burn yourself but also everyone else around you. You need water to put the flames out my old woman.
Your mind is confused with the amount of time you spend on thinking about ways to change the world, all the while ignoring the world inside of you that is crashing and collapsing.
You say it. You want to be a good person. You repeat this to me every night. You say you want justice in the world and wake up every morning and do nothing.
Yes I am talking about you. No one else. Only you Ebrar.
You who writes songs and ballads and stories over this, you who screams at the television as you see the world crumbling around you. You who hates injustice and yet when a situation like that arises, you who doesn’t stand up. You who hates herself and tries to love others.
You who is afraid to stand up because you will be criticised. Afraid of dictators. Afraid of society.
You are a coward.
You are selfish.
You are ignorant.
You want to know why? Because if you truly wanted peace you would have worked for it. You would have been delighted at the idea of someone smiling. You would have been content with the way you can eat three meals, even more than that, in a day. You would have been at peace with the rain, with the soil, with the cellulite, with the imperfections.
And yet you are a liar. To me.
You complain about how you couldn’t buy those shoes you liked so much.
You listen to profane things, watch unseeable things that destroys your soul piece by peace. You want to be, you try your very best to be emotionless, unfeeling and inhuman. You are a coward because you are afraid of emotions.
You are afraid of crying because it makes you vulnerable. You are frightened at the idea of loving yourself because it makes you feel like you are a narcissist.
You aren’t at peace at all so how can you achieve it? How can you even try?
You always repeat that line in your head “Be the change you want to see in the world” and yet all you have inside you is empty promises, and sameness. That stubbornness you have against change is what disrupts your mind. You speak the word ‘peace’ all the while your mind is a war zone with dark flags of hate planted in plain sight. Because you can’t forgive and you most certainly can’t forget. You don’t want to.
You hate yourself.
And because of that you hate other people. You look around and you see death, hopelessness and injustice with innocent people being treated unfairly. But in the end you believe no one is innocent.
You hate human beings at their cruelty and their violent ways, you hate that you are made of that too, and you hate yourself for being selfish.
Thats what holds you back.
And your hate.
And you cry over it every night, sometimes without tears, with a bleeding heart maybe and you bury it in your sorrow and put a mask of confusion and uncertainty.
Worry not my old woman. I am not judging you, I am merely telling you, outloud, the things you turn a deaf ear to because it annoys you to act like you care, while you actually don’t. And that’s the problem.
You are being unfair to your existence. My dear, you were meant to be emotional. You were meant to be in love with humanity, you were meant to believe and hope and care and live. You were meant to hurt and learn from it, you were meant to get heartbroken only to love again, you were meant to forgive and forget. You were most certainly meant to be human.
I mean look at you. Look at your perfection. Look at your beauty. Look at your mind and your dreams and your hopes. Your strength and the beauty of your smile. You might not believe you deserve it but you do.
You deserve every bit of peace that this world keeps talking so much about. The peace that everyone is trying to achieve on the outside while they don’t have it on the inside.
You can cry for the mistakes of others. You can cry for your own mistakes.
Just be at peace.
Just be fair.
Love and love and love.
For hate is strong but love is stronger.
Remember the fight against the fire? Love is the water and the ashes that remain are nothing other than the beginning of peace.